I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
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Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.