We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
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“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?