When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
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Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Great acting.. 😂
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
what
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
I bet birds love this building.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.