Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
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Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
When he asks for feet pics
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried