For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
You Might Also Like
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Monday
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.