I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
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“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
When you’re here for the treats.
What’s a Messi?
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.