The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
You Might Also Like
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.