Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
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I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy