At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
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How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.