God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
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*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.