You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
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Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
RT if you know someone like this!!!
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me