I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
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[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Yoga Matt
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?