All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
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Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.