me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
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For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?