If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
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When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
This is amazing.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation