No good deed goes unposted on social media.
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i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Generation gap…
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere