I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
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Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.