[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
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I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
This is not me but this is me
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Rt to bother an English speaker
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.