netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
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Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
The internet is magic sometimes.