I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
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Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.