my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
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P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Expect the unexporcupine.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.