Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
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“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.