STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
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My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Guilty! 🤪
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.