I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
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Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going