FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
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When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…