See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
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“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel