At least my masseuse has my back.
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A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it