“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
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Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic