Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
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*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”