Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
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If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
3% human
97% stress
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this