Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
You Might Also Like
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit