Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
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DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
The smoothest fall of all time
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.