New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
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[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic