Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
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Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*