FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
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Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Hey i am sexy to you now
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Chemical wingman
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.