All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
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This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.