Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
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People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
#Caturday
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy