[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
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[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Okay, I’m still confused…
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free