Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
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Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what