Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
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“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
canadian assassins are called killergrams
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!