If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
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My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Become ungovernable.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*