A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
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[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…