My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
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Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.