Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
You Might Also Like
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Still my favourite meme.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I didn’t come here to be called names
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY