Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
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Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you鈥檒l just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Adam: happy Mother鈥檚 Day, Eve
Eve: it鈥檚 tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother鈥檚 Day Eve
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn鈥檛 a Jason Mimosa.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Netflix My bladder
馃
Streaming on demand
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don鈥檛 want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I鈥檒l just buy a lottery ticket.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Given the American diet, don鈥檛 you think we鈥檇 have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*