“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
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if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey