Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
You Might Also Like
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
How do dragons blow out candles?
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh