priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
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Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
somebody come look at this
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
At least he brought enough for everyone
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.