Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
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Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.