[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
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*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I’m not wrong
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go